“If it’s that bad, why don’t they just leave?” “That could never be me, I would never put up with that.” These are just a few of the sugar-coated lies people often use to minimize domestic violence. They want to paint survivors as weak, uneducated, unable to stand up for themselves, something that could only happen to a pathetic woman. People want to believe it could not happen to them because it gives them a false sense of security. Despite that, they are adding to the problem by spreading these types of narratives.
Well, I’m here to tell you as a Domestic Survivor, every single American right now who has ever uttered those words is eating them right now. Republicans and Democrats are both experiencing the equivalent of a domestic relationship. Just like survivors of abuse, some of us have played into our situation, and others have seen it coming a mile away, but somehow still ended up right in the thick of it.
Trump and the administration are using gaslighting just like abusers do to erode people’s sense of reality. They make people question their sanity, judgment, and reality through tactics that distort or deny the victim’s perceptions of events. Like the President going from calling the riot of January 6 a “heinous act” to then calling it a “day of love.” An abuser will lose his cool, apologize the next day, saying what a monster he was. Only to then talk about it as your fault and a sign of his love. By blurring the line and moving it around, they destabilize you. You are trying to figure out reality while they are making a game of rigging it all against you.
When I was in a Domestic Violence situation, I tried to dismiss a lot of it as my ex just being jealous. And he was! But he was using it as a tactic to control me and my actions. Just like Trump has used jealousy to motivate and energize his base. Blaming things on other people, unites you against a common enemy, reduces complicated issues and systems down to what seem like fixable issues, and ignores the need to take any self-accountability. Just like jealousy is a tool for an abuser, either you were flirting, or you just don’t understand how men’s minds work; the method might differ or change, but the outcome is the same. Isolation! Just like Trump is cutting us off from our allies and playing nice with Dictators, an abuser will push you away from your friends and family. They will align themselves with people who will make them look good, take their side, or share their authoritarian views.
If the economic chaos makes you feel helpless and uncertain, congratulations! You now know how it feels to experience financial abuse firsthand! When someone uses money as a tool to control people, like Trump is trying to do to Harvard, it is the same concept as a domestic violence perpetrator using finances to control and manipulate their victims’ behavior. What he is doing with the tariffs reminds me so much of the self-inflicted chaos I experienced in my abusive marriage.
Having Trump as a president is like being in an abusive relationship. The abuse is not a tsunami, but little waves slowly breaking us down. Taking away our rights little by little, almost convincing us, it’s in our best interest when deep down inside we know better. From those of us who are love-bombed, cheering him on, to those of us who are anxiously waiting for someone else to intervene, we are all trapped in a socially violent relationship. This situation is hurting everyone involved. So, for any American who has ever responded to Domestic Violence with some sugar-coated version of “it could never be me,” I would respond; it already is.
Most victims of Domestic Violence are killed while or after they leave. So. What happens when America decides to leave? When will we decide that enough is enough to save Democracy for our children? How do we avoid a civil war, which, much like a divorce, could cost us everything, including our children? It’s not as easy as some of you may have wanted to believe to get out of this type of relationship once you’re in it.
Sara McGill
Bowling Green
