By JAN McLAUGHLIN
BG Independent News
Grief is a journey made tougher when traveled alone.
The people who gather for the GriefShare program at St. Mark’s Lutheran Church, in Bowling Green, have suffered individual losses of children, siblings, parents and spouses. But together they find strength in knowing they aren’t alone.
And with the holidays coming, those grieving can encounter a minefield of painful memories of life before their loss.
A special GriefShare program for “Surviving the Holidays” is scheduled for Saturday, Nov. 8, from 9:30 to 11:30 a.m., at St. Mark’s Lutheran Church, 315 S. College Drive, Bowling Green. Anyone interested may register by calling the church at 419-33-9305 or by going online at GriefShare.com.
Waves of seasonal grief can be brought on by a favorite Christmas song, a traditional Thanksgiving dish, or holiday shopping custom.
“We need to plan for the holidays,” said Nancy Jones, who lost her 19-year-old son in a farming accident, and later lost her dad, husband and brother.
And it’s helpful to have support from others going through the grieving process.
“We need to take care of ourselves” by getting rest, exercising and eating properly, said Kimra Sutton Farbstein, a niece of Jones’ and author of “Grief in its Journey.” “When we’re in the midst of grief, we don’t think of those things.”
While some feel pain carrying on holiday traditions, others cling to those customs.
Linda Foster, who lost her husband, finds the old Christmas ornaments and photos bring her comfort and happiness.
Joan Staib, one of the organizers of the GriefShare program at St. Mark’s, explained it’s possible to mourn and be happy simultaneously. “It’s called holding joy and sorrow at the same time,” she said.
Sometimes sadness is triggered by the change of the seasons, a whiff of a familiar cologne, or a sentimental song.
“Sometimes in the middle of the grocery store it happens to me,” Farbstein said.
The GriefShare program is offered three times a year at St. Mark’s, with each session lasting 13 weeks.
“They can join at any time,” Staib said. “We think of it as an emergency room” available whenever needed.
“We show the tip of the iceberg so often,” Staib said.
But GriefShare can help people dig deeper. “They talk about it from their hearts,” Staib said. “You’re not alone in this.”
Sometimes people going through grief don’t realize they need help.
After Barb Vollmar lost her husband, she remembered feeling she was coping with the loss.
“I thought I was strong. Then I hit a brick wall,” she said during a recent meeting of GriefShare facilitators. “You can say what you want and it stays here.”
Jan Ruffner’s experience was similar, with her brick wall showing up about six months after her husband died. Four years ago, she faced it again when her son died.
“I thought I was OK, but I wasn’t,” she recalled.
Coann Ducat was apprehensive about attending her first GriefShare session after suffering the loss of her parents and all her siblings.
“I was a little timid,” Ducat said. “When I was growing up, you didn’t share your feelings. Now I’m the last one left.”
But her concerns were quickly alleviated.
“We can tell everybody how we feel and it’s OK if we get weepy,” Ducat said.
Nancy Jones also struggled to handle her grief on her own.
“I tried originally to stuff all my pain and loss inside, and that did not help,” she said. But sharing her grief with others on the same journey helped. “I didn’t know I needed that.”
Linda Foster began her grief journey after her husband died, then her parents, then her two brothers. Her daughter-in-law recognized Foster’s need and nudged her to the GriefShare program.
Foster has now gone through the program three or four times – learning something new each time, and always comforted being around people experiencing similar pain.
“Sometimes we get off subject,” Foster said. “I just lost my little dog, and they let me talk about that.”
During a recent GriefShare session, Kimra Farbstein, from Schroon Lake, New York, attended with her aunt, Nancy Jones. Farbstein helps lead a GriefShare program in her community and has written a book titled “Grief in Its Journey,” under her previous name Kimra Sutton.
Farbstein started her grief journey early in life after her father died when she was just 6 years old. She still gets choked up when talking about him.
“I was 6 – what do you do with that?” she said.
Farbstein was 23 when her mom died. Then five years ago, came her toughest loss.
“My hard loss was my husband,” she said.
Not long after she went to a doctor’s appointment.
“I felt like I was having a heart attack,” Farbstein said. The doctor gave her his diagnosis. “You have broken heart syndrome,” she said.
She found comfort in a GriefShare program.
“Everyone will enter into grief sometime in their life,” Farbstein said. And while every person’s experience is different, they share commonalities.
“All people need care. All people need to be loved. All people need to be understood,” she said.
And while friends, neighbors and family may be reluctant to talk about the deceased, those attending the grief program know it’s OK to speak their names.
“You want to hear your loved one’s name,” Farbstein said.
“You don’t want the people you lost to be forgotten,” Foster agreed.
GriefShare programs are open to anyone experiencing grief. For some, it helps to build their faith. “We help each other become close to God,” Staib said.
But the programs are open to people of all faiths, or no faith at all.
