By JAN LARSON McLAUGHLIN
BG Independent News
Some Wood County voters were so dismayed with their choices for president this year that they wrote in votes for Queen Elizabeth, Santa Claus and Harambe, the gorilla shot at the Cincinnati Zoo. The deceased gorilla beat out royalty and Kris Kringle by getting two write-in votes.
The extreme dissatisfaction with presidential political candidates was evident by the number of write-in votes cast in Wood County.
Of the cartoon characters submitted, the big winner was Mickey Mouse with six votes. He managed to trounce Homer Simpson, Pepe the Frog, Snoopy, Donald Duck and Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo from South Park.
Some voters appeared tired of the status quo and clearly wanted to shake things up a bit in Washington, D.C. Getting one vote each was self-proclaimed time traveler Andrew Daniel Basiago, the queen of England, and Vermin Supreme, who wears a wizard hat, warned of a zombie apocalypse, and promised a pony for every American.
Other local voters cast their ballots for musicians, perhaps to soothe our savage nature of late. Getting one vote each was Dave Mustaine of heavy metal Megadeth, glam rocker Alice Cooper, smooth Caribbean flavored Jimmy Buffet, and contemporary recording artist Kanye West. The voter writing in Kanye West must have felt the musician could use some help, so Bernie Sanders was added in as the musician’s vice president.
All those musical talents, however, were shot down by the 11 voters who wrote in Ted Nugent, the camouflaged-clothed gun rights activist and singer.
Some voters felt the country would be better in the hands of superstar athletes. Tying for the top with two votes each were big time wrestler and former politician Jesse Ventura, OSU football coach Urban Meyer and retired Detroit running back Barry Sanders. They were followed by one vote each for Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott, disgraced Cincinnati baseball player Pete Rose, and Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein.
Other voters apparently wanted to relive the days of an actor in the White House. One wrote in Christopher Walken for president with Gary Busey as his wingman vice president. Another felt more secure with Kiefer Sutherland, who played a covert FBI role in the series “24.”
Fictional characters also scored some votes. One voter preferred the mystical Gandalf character from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, another wanted Santa Claus, and one cast a ballot of Pedro Ringer, who ran for school president in the classic “Napoleon Dynamite.”
Some people were resurrected for the election, with voters clearly wishing for simpler times by writing in George Washington and Theodore Roosevelt. But they lost to Harambe, the gorilla shot at the Cincinnati Zoo, who received two write-in votes.
Others turned to higher powers, with God getting three votes, Jesus Christ getting two votes, and Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, getting one vote.
The liberal media beat out the conservative talk show host, with Jon Stewart getting three votes to Glenn Beck’s one vote.
Some voters just wanted to express their extreme disgust with the election. They wrote in comments such as:
- An American revolution to purge the government of all terrorists and put an end to government corruption. (Who knew that much would fit in the write-in slot?)
- I am disgusted with all politicians’ duplicity and hypocrisy.
- Ivana Honorableperson.
- No one.
- They all suck.
The race for U.S. Senator also garnered some unusual write-in votes, including Bazooka Joe the cartoon character, Dr. Mario from the video game, Joe Dirt with his classic mullet, Madonna, Rob Lowe, and “My Cat Niki.”
