Do you just hate your friends and want to divide the group you go out with in an instant? Start a debate that will quickly erupt into a civil war? If you’ve ever asked for pineapple on pizza then you are the person who’s bringing down your friends and here’s why pineapple does not belong on pizza.
The first sign of attempted assassination by your “friends” via pineapple is the taste and texture. The normal taste of a pizza is salty, cheesy, maybe a bit sweet to counteract the salt previously mentioned. Though when you bite into a slice of pizza you may be met with a surprise of an overly sweet still wet slice of a pineapple. This absolutely ruins the slightly crunchy harder taste of a normal slice by dripping all of the juices onto the slice while it cooks. Leading to the slice becoming soggy and mushy, with a taste that can’t be removed as the pineapple leaves. This means even if you’re warned in advance of the upcoming disaster, you cannot remove the taste and it will stain the pizza slices with an overly sweet mushy taste.
To look at a time-tested example of a good that people willingly ruin are some very select charcuterie boards. Being composed and eaten in a somewhat similar way to pizza and given much more time to be explored then pizza we can look to charcuterie boards for good examples of pairings. When it comes to trying to mask the taste of pineapple against a cheese, cheese experts at thecheeseempire.com suggest “ rich, buttery and sweet cheeses” like ”Manchego,Swiss Gruyere, Halloumi”(The Cheese Empire). I haven’t had the time nor experience in the pizza field but I have yet to see a Dominos or Pizza Hut carry any cheese like these that would properly match the equally salty cracker and cheese slice combo that people have argued over for generations with charcuterie boards.
As I mentioned before the slices of a pineapple pizza can leave horrible hidden pockets of soggy messes even after taking off the slices. One of my friends suggested that you can just order half and half. This “solution” has a few fundamental issues on top of what I’ve already mentioned, as Devonte Burrell from The Clifton Hub blog page endorses that ,“arguments on the subject have ruined my friendships, destroyed family events, and obliterated trusts and bonds I had with people I held close”(The Clifton Hub). With a wedge being driven in a group activity between the pineapple fans and normal people, the group has to divide a group activity and meal like pizza into certain groups. It leaves the non pineapple fans at an objective worse experience. If the pineapple fans can’t finish their half then the non pineapple eating half cannot eat it or even try to take off the pieces with the taste being baked in, but if non pineapple fans eat their half and then non pineapple fans can’t finish theirs then the pineapple fans most likely would still enjoy the plain pizza. This leaves the non pineapple fans in an awkward social situation and/or feeling unfulfilled watching their used-to-be friends eating the scraps of their own half of pizza. The entire act of ordering pineapple on pizza literally splits the group up and can ruin a good time. As people have, can, and will break out into debates over whether or not pineapple should be ordered. Pineapple on pizza can be a selfish and unruly choice when it comes to toppings that have the power to ruin nights by themselves socially, if not from the taste alone.
I have to concede that even though I’ve brought my points up to my friends who like pineapple they still continue to order and make me split a pizza in half. They don’t even know why they like it fully besides a few meek ‘it just tastes good’ comments. This is the big question that haunts everyone of why, and is something no matter how many points or pieces of evidence I bring up will never change. I am just not born a pineapple fan and I can admit that I (Like everyone else) have different tastes in food. Even still, the act of putting pineapple on pizza on pizza at parties and social events has ruined entire meals for me and others at the occasions. So I hope I have fully explained why I know that pineapple has never, should never, and will never go on my pizzas/anyone else’s. Please stop trying to make my pizza pie into a literal pie and keep your fruits on the side.
Works Cited
The Cheese Empire. (2021, July 28). What cheese pairs with pineapple? The Cheese
Empire. Retrieved November 22, 2021, from https://thecheeseempire.com/what-cheese-pairs-with-pineapple/.
Cameron Quelette
Bowling Green
Cameron Quelette
Bowling Green
Cameron Quelette
Bowling Green
Cameron Quelette
Bowling Green
