By JULIE CARLE
BG Independent News
When it comes to families, you don’t get to choose your parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or even your own children. The only family member you get to choose is your romantic partner or spouse.
“The impact of that romantic partner on the family is huge. Finding a good, compatible partner is one of the pillars that I talk about with families,” said Dr. Andrea Mata, a psychologist who founded Brightspot Families in Bowling Green. To that end, she is offering “Dating in the 21st Century,” a four-session mini course, to help individuals learn about the psychology behind dating issues such as attraction, waiting and gauging interest, the initial ask, and must haves and red flags.
“The topic resonates especially with college-age students because they are in a developmental stage where they are trying to figure out their beliefs, about work, their identity, and who they love. It can be a very confusing time,” Mata said.
There aren’t many people who have a group of friends who acknowledge they are struggling with dating and relationship issues. The mini course provides a safe space for adults of all ages to talk about the topic.
The biggest change in dating is the increased interest in online dating, Mata said. Though online dating has been around since the late 1990s, early on there was a stigma associated with people who connected via the internet.
Today, according to a study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, more than one-third of marriages are started online. The data suggest the internet may be altering the dynamics and outcomes of marriage.
The mini course Mata is offering is like a popular dating course she taught at the University of Findlay. She taught at Findlay for nine years before starting her private practice a few years ago that is focused on helping to fortify families.
The dating course at Findlay was patterned after a course Dr. Manfred van Dulmen, her doctoral advisor, taught at Kent State University. Always filled to capacity with more than 100 students, the course was presented in a lecture format. When she introduced “Dating in the 21st Century” at Findlay, the discussion-based class was much smaller with a capacity for about 20 students.
“The first time I taught the course, it filled in one hour with 15 girls. I knew I couldn’t teach it with only girls, so we added seven guys, taking it up to 22 students,” Mata said.
The Bowling Green mini course, just like the college class, is meant to prompt conversations among participants.
“This is not your typical class. There are no right answers. Everyone in the room is allowed to say whatever they want,” Mata said. People can challenge ideas discussed, but no one is allowed to attack anyone else.
The goal is to help participants think about romantic relationships, such as what they want their relationships to look like, and what conversations they should have with their partners.
“Let’s hear what others are saying and learn something. When having difficult conversations, the goal should not be to win, but to learn information, why that person is thinking what they are thinking, and how to better understand why you think the way you do,” Mata said.
The sessions give people an environment to be with others, learn what the psychological research has to say and how it pertains to dating and romantic relationships today. Though 18- to 25-year-olds may be the likely group to attend, Mata encourages adults across generations to register. Intergenerational conversations could be helpful and provide different perspectives and insight.
“We don’t know how to have relationships. We’ve lost the ability to have spontaneous conversations with strangers,” Mata said. “If we have these conversations now, maybe we can prevent divorce and the aftermath that is introduced in families by divorce.”
Among the questions to be tackled during the mini course are:
- Attraction session (Jan. 15): What or who should we blame for why we are attracted to who we are attracted to? Can we help it? Knowing what we learned, how can we use it in our favor?
- The Initial Ask (Jan. 22): What preconceived notions do we possess when it comes to who should initiate communication? How do we navigate the inevitable fear of rejection? Do pick up lines work?
- Waiting and Gauging Interest (Jan. 29): Does playing “games” work? How can you best show someone you are interested? If you’re not interested in someone, should you say you’re busy, ghost them, or be honest?
- Must Haves and Red Flags (Feb. 5): What are you looking for in a long-term partner? Are you settling or settling down? What behaviors should we watch out for?
The sessions will run from 7 to 8 p.m. on four consecutive Sundays beginning Jan. 15 through Feb. 5 at Juniper Brewing Co., 145 S. Main St., Bowling Green. The cost is $15 per session or $50 to attend all four. To register, visit the Brightspot Families website.
